Happiness Is Best Shared....

I was asked this week whether I was happy or not?
Its been something that I have been thinking about all week to be honest, and it is only know Im more certain of my answer.

I'm not unhappy on a daily basis, I don't think I'm depressed either. I think unfulfilled is a more accurate description. I guess most people thought everything would be mapped out by their mid thirties, I know I did.

I think back to my first proper relationship and remember the way I was and we were with a fondness. I hadn't been deceived, hurt, or cynicised by love at this point. We didn't talk about marriage or children because it was almost a natural progression that we both knew would happen. Of course we didn't make it, but that's a different story.
I know I was close though.... So close...
What I'm trying to say is that I believed I would have a family to come home too pretty early in life. It was what I wanted. Success, money, career driven madness never crossed my mind, and they still don't. I don't care about mortgages, bank account balances, about swimming pools and cars. I care about belonging, about sharing my words, about making dreams true with a special person.

The pursuit of happiness has been an adventure at least. From Manchester, to Zurich, to Ireland, and to Australia. I could never be accused of not giving everything my best shot! I can hold my hand on my heart and state no regrets as well. I have been fortunate to connect so well with a a number of people, and some can never say that. I can also say that for the most of times I have also been happy in these relationships. But of course the fact that none of them worked out still leaves me unfulfilled.

Today I watched the movie of one of my favourite books of all time. I first read the book in the late Nineties, I can even remember where I was when I read it. I picked up a torn and dirty copy of a book called 'Into the Wild' by Jon Krakauer. The book had been left behind in a backpackers hostel in Broome, Western Australia. For the next 2 days I sat on the beach and read, re-read a stunning adventure story. The book tells the story (I strongly reccomend it by the way) of Chris McCandless, I won't describe it, just quote the front cover. It will give you an idea..

"In April 1992 a young man from a well to do family hitchhiked to Alaska and walked alone into the wilderness north of Mt. McKinley. His name was Christopher Johnson McCandless. He had given $25,000 in savings to charity, abandoned his car and most of his possessions, burned all the cash in his wallet, and invented a new life for himself. Four months later his decomposed body was found by a moose hunter." Jon Krakauer.

The book is a moving, uplifting study of how one young man struggled to deal with his demons, with his aversion to a fast food society, and with his underlying need to feel close to nature. It was only a small gesture but after reading and discussing the book I found myself in Darwin. Instead of spending $500 on a tourist trip across the Kakadu National Park, I hitched out to a protest camp to join a group of people demonstrating against the building of a Uranium Mine on Aboriginal Land. It was an enthralling two weeks, I spent hours talking to an eclectic group of people. The people of Jabiluka townsite (near the proposed mine site) treated the protestors appallingly, refusing to serve them in their town shop, and banning them from using any facilities. To cut a long story short, I felt I had done the memory of Chris some justice with this gesture. It was certainly the reading of the book that inspired me to do something slightly different. I have also always tried to pass on copies of the book to people I like.... (couldn't find it in the bloody bookshop this week)
I still have my dog-eared original copy, and value it very highly.

During the book Chris is described many times as being contented and happy with his lonesome existence.

''Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth. ''

''Society, man! You know, society! Cause, you know what I don't understand? I don't understand why people, why every fucking person is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum.''

''Two years he walks the earth. No phone, no pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Ultimate freedom. An extremist. An aesthetic voyager whose home is the road. Escaped from Atlanta. Thou shalt not return, 'cause "the West is the best." And now after two rambling years comes the final and greatest adventure. The climactic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage. Ten days and nights of freight trains and hitchhiking bring him to the Great White North. No longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild.''

Whilst reading I couldn't help but identify with his thoughts, his characer traits and foibles. The story has no happy ending (actually the ending of the story is at the start of the book) but Chris realises that despite all his adventures, inspite of all his previous thoughts that true happiness is found when shared with someone. With someone who cares, who respects, and understands....

And thats what I want.

If I have travel to all corners of the globe three times over I will do it, I just might seem abit frustrated sometimes whilst im looking.

And do you know what, Im happy Ive said that....

RIP Chris McCandless