The housesitter from hell.....

Now I should point out that although i'm a decent, well meaning sort of bloke I am prone to the odd disater or two!

Reliable, yes,

Trustworthy, yes.

Honest, yes.

Complete and utter muppet! Yes

So with me not being a home owner and a lover of animals I often get asked to look after other people's places when they go away. Ive never had wild parties, and i've never disrespected anyone's property, but man if it can go wrong it has!

This all started about 6 years ago. Some Swedish friends of mine decided to go round the world for 6 months, and I was given the keys to their beautiful house. My only job was to make sure their beloved cat was well looked after. Now I love cats, and they seem to like me, so this didn't seem to be a problem at all...

It was a great 6 months, I loved their house and the cat "Fison'' was a darling. Two days before they came back it was the Football World Cup Final. I was sensible, didn't go out with all my friends but decided to stay in and watch on the television at the house. To enhance the World Cup experience I have to admit to smoking a rather large continental ciggy (it was 6 years ago) The match came and went with me descending into the couch happily. I had to be up early the next day, so I made the decision to have a bath before I went to bed - more time under the covers in the morning!

But...... I fell asleep in the bath (doh!) and was woken up by the Fison clawing my arm which was dangling over the side of the bathtub. Shit whats that smell I thought. B*llocks, it's smoke!Rather comical I must have looked as I ran from the bath drenched and naked into the lounge room. The candle I had lit during the game had burnt down and set fire to the coffee table which was by now fully ablaze! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh f***********ck!

I did manage to distinguish the fire but the coffee table was ruined, but Fison had saved the house atleast! That would have been tough to explain. Instead I just had a very expensive shopping trip the next day. Needless to say I don't light candles anymore!

Last year I was asked to look after 2 great dogs by some teacher friends of mine. It was a particular hot spell in Perth, and I religiously made sure the garden was watered, none of the plants died, the dogs were fine, and the filter of their pond was clean. Now for some reason one morning I went outside to be hit by the summer heat full in the face. This time it was joined by an unbelievable stench! I couldn't work out for the life of me what the smell was... I went back inside and let the dogs out. It was feeding time at the zoo, and as I was in the kitchen putting the food out the dogs joined me. Nothing strange there at all until. SPLAT! The younger of the dogs deposited a very dead, magnificent looking fish at my feet. The smell was undescribable...

Shit I thought, what the hells the dog doing getting in the pond killing the fish? I walked upto the back of the garden to be confronted by the chainsaw massacre of fish.....

Every single fish in the pond was dead, and floating on the surface. Atleast I now knew what the smell was, but how if happened I never found out. I had done everything I was told by the house owners. Bad luck or the curse of the Rodgers house sit!

Atleast I was asked back to that place (can't have been my fault surely) and the second time I stayed I was pleased to see the pond had been filled in! By now it was winter and the weather was awful. So bad that the dogs refused to do anything else but sleep with me in the master bedroom. Fair enough I thought, if only I had known.....

Now one of the dogs (the same younger one) was alittle disturbed by the absence of her owners and I think had a kind of seperation anxiety. She would follow me everywhere, and at all times of the day and night. One night I woke up in the middle of the night and needed the loo. Of course the dog followed me. Now I was dozy and half asleep and when I walked back into the bedroom I didn't see the dog next to me (I hadn't turned the lights on) I tripped over the dog and fell towards the wall. It was an old weatherboard house and of course my natural reaction was to twist my body and try to stop myself from falling! I did stop the fall but also managed to place my arse clean through the bedroom wall! (old Aussie houses aren't too well made!)

Imagine the humiliation of calling the builders into replace a 'buttcheeks' shaped hole in a wall. Well I made their day im sure, but atleast the owners never saw it though....

Last night I finished my latest housesitting venture. My wonderful friends Scott and Hazel had been on honeymoon, and asked me look after their two King Charles Spaniels, Sadie and Mini.

The first 6 days were grim..... Unknown to Scotty and Haze Mini had started her dog periods. I ran around the house constantly mopping up after her, desperate to save the carpets and furniture of my friends from the mess left behind.

If I dont mind saying so I did a magnificent job, and felt a happy man last night when I was due to pick them up at 11ish from the airport.

At 8ish I went outside for one last 'Poo Patrol', I wanted the place to be perfect when they came back. Sadie and Mini hassle you when you are cleaning so I shut them in the house. CLICK went the door, not heard that noise before I thought. Yep you guessed it 3 hours before they were due home I had locked myself out of the house!

Now im no idiot so I managed to squeeze myself half way through the dog door and undo the bolts on the back of the flap. Only three would come loose though, and I had to rip the dog door off to get back into the house... Then I managed to get myself stuck half way through the door! What a nightmare...

So the honeymooners came back to a huge hole in their backdoor where the dog flap used to sit. Nice look. Another expensive shopping trip today, and the problem is solved!

No animals were harmed in the making of this blogpost (apart from the fish)

Anyone needs their house looking after? I'm your man!